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Mommy kisses wear me out.

My sweet boy,

This has been the hardest week I can remember experiencing in years. It’s not a lie to say that leaving you in daycare and coming to work has been FAR harder than giving birth to you with no drugs. Don’t get me wrong – when I think back to giving birth to you and recount the pain and horror that it was physically, I start to feel a little sick to my stomach. It was that intense. Even so, it’s still not as intense as the emotional pain I feel from leaving you in the arms of someone else. If I had a choice…and believe me when I say that we don’t if we want health insurance…I would be at home with you. I would cuddle you and nurse you and play with you all day long. Instead, I will soak up every last-minute I get to spend with you in the evenings. Our time together will be that much more precious.

Tomorrow I turn 30 years old. 30 will seem an eternity away when you read this letter. You will think 30 is old. Right now 30 does feel old.

This birthday has led me to be reflective about where I’ve been and where I’m going. It’s easy to look back and say, “I wish I had done ______ differently.” I wish that was unavoidable but it’s just not. We all have those things we can see in full light once they become our past. The thing is …. every decision, every path and every horrible mistake has brought my life to this exact moment -this moment that has brought me you.

You are going to get tired of me telling you how important, special and beautiful you are to me. I apologize in advance for the way I will smother you with kisses, ask too many questions and be interested in every aspect of your life. I can’t help myself.

Tomorrow while I toast to this next phase of my life I will hold you tightly in my arms. And I will know that everything is exactly as it should be.

I love you.

Mommy

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