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Noah12monthsDear Noah,

In one year you have radically changed the landscape of what our family looks like. We had a pretty solid pattern and schedule and things were going okay. Out of nowhere (well, it was a long time coming) the company I worked for shut their doors the last day of December. I was suddenly staying at home caring for William and stressing to find a new job. Then came March and the surprise of a lifetime. When three doctors have told you that you will never naturally conceive a child, you believe them. I trust science. But, there you were. When I first saw your heartbeat flicker on that screen and I realized this new life growing inside of me, completely unexpected and definitely unprepared, I was a nervous wreck. I was wrought with excitement and terror and happiness and fear. So many emotions were swirling through my head that I had a hard time seeing how it would all just work. And as my belly grew and my pregnancy progressed, I started to understand just how perfect timing the unexpected parts of life can truly be. It had only been a month or so before we first knew you existed that I had said I wasn’t sure if we would have more children. I didn’t know if it would work for us. I didn’t know if I wanted to go through the potential heartbreak of it not happening. But there you were.

My labor with you was one of the defining and life-changing experiences of my life. It probably sounds trite, and you may  never understand being that you are a boy, but the ease in which you came into the world and the way in which I felt so connected to you as I labored gently and without fear was empowering. You gave me the kind of birth story that I will carry with me as a reminder of the power I have over my mind and my body and the way in which I am in control of my own fears and insecurities. So, thank you.

This past year you have proven yourself a gentle, calm, even-tempered, affectionate, loving, hilarious, smart, strong and vivacious boy. Your laugh is infectious and the way you watch William excitedly waiting to be a part of whatever he is doing, or to laugh at his antics, is so reassuring to me. When you want something, you go right for it. When you fall, you rarely cry. You always get right back up and head steadfast on your mission. When you are tired or cranky, you bury your head in my chest and it fills my heart every time. I love to make you laugh and see you dance. You are such a light in my life and I am forever grateful that you came into our family.

Happy first birthday, my darling boy.

I love you always.

Mama

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